You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize