The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
