mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
