I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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