for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
where are you?
Hypothermia
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Randomize
