If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
