You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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