We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
