I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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