when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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