I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
