i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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