I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
