Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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