We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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