what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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