The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
my poor anus
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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