There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize