can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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