I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
