yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Terrible idea I love it
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
