How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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