you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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