Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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