Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
