i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
it's like heaven, but drunker
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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