I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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