I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
