I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize