24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
