I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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