pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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