I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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