yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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