i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize
