Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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