i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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