i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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