turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
