I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
