Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
