I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Randomize