you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Do you have feelings for this penis?
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