My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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