He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
