I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
