I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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