he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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