I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Randomize
