I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
