Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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