I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
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