guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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