I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I can't turn off my feet"
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize