I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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