My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize