Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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