dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize