Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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