Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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