That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
The air was thick with penises
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
