Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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