I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
